It has been brought to our attention that the attendance record of most gaming groups is a disgrace to our gracious Dungeon Masters, who, at your request, have given you a World to play in! Due to lack of consideration for our efforts, which is shown by your frequent absenteeism, it has become necessary for us to revise some of our policies. The following changes are in effect as of January 1st, 1995.
School - NO EXCUSE! Never attend school if it means you may miss a game session. Besides, everything you need to know you'll learn while playing anyway.
Homework - NO EXCUSE! Missing a game session because you failed to finish your homework is an unacceptable practice and it will no longer be tolerated! We DM's have worked long and hard on an adventure and damn it you're going to be there to play! To hell with your schoolwork or what!
Job - NO EXCUSE! Now you may not miss a game session in order to work - even if you intend to spend the money you earn on miniature figures and RPG materials that will assist the DM! Any other use of your paycheck (or parts thereof) is unacceptable, anyway.
Parents - NO EXCUSE! Non-existant parental discretion is no longer a valid excuse for missing a game session. If your parents have grounded you, it is expected that you sneak out in order to attend the game session. If your parents have hand-cuffed you to the wall, it is expected that you chew your hand off in order to attend the game session. If they cuffed both hands to the wall then, when you arrive at the game session, someone else will be appointed to do your dice rolling.
Transportation - NO EXCUSE! Inadequate transportation is something that can always be taken care of! It is expected, if your car breaks down, that you will 'borrow' your parent's car. If you no longer live with your parents, then it is expected that you 'borrow' your neighbor's car. If you do not know any neighbors, then it is expected that you go to the nearest car dealer and 'borrow' one of their cars. If you are too young to drive, it is expected that you will 'borrow' your mother's licence.
Sickness - NO EXCUSE! We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof, as we believe that if you are able to get to the doctor, you are able to come to the game!
Date - NO EXCUSE! If you're planning a date, that's just great! Remember, roleplaying makes the core for the game, and to miss such an opportunity will be a crime.
Marriage - NO EXCUSE! Your marriage may be easily included as a part of your game session if you take your bride/groom to the game and has his/her character created and married your own. Any marriage that has nothing to do with the RPG is declared null and void.
Death (other than your own) - NO EXCUSE! There is nothing that you can do for them, and we are certain that someone outside of the game can attend to the arrangements. It is assumed that you will pay your respects to them AFTER the gaming session.
Death (your own) This - and this only! - will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like at least a 2 weeks notice, as we feel it is your obligation to let us kill off your character during the time you are playing him.